Christmas, Not Holiday

So here I sit.Just moments till the clock strikes midnight, my husband asleep on the couch right next to me. My sister-in-law asleep on the floor and my brother-in-law playing Madden on the x-box.it's a dream, I know.jj is tucked in after a long and rather grumpy day.The fire is going, we are tired after pretty much a whole day of prep for tomorrow.I love Christmas! I love that its such a big deal and where tradition has taken us in this country. In our minds dance the memories of oiur childhood christmas' that look strangely like Norman Rockwell paintings. It seems we always remember those days in a better light than perhaps they actually were.but thats okay.tradition is fun and the excitement is great...In fact...I still am excited for Christmas morning to come. Years ago it was so I could rush out to open presents, but these days it so we can watch our son open them. I admit, it's equally as fun!But above all that is the reason that we, as christians, celebrate this day. It goes beyond tradition and presents under the tree. It goes beyond the grandeur of the holiday and the hustle and bustle, even though that does consume us a lot. The real meaning is the celebration of joy and hope for a lost world. We celebrate the the day when a promise became a reality and a miracle was born.I know we lose ourselves in this season, it's fun and I personally LOVE it. But I will be the first to Amit that sometimes presents and dinner and get togethers and cookie parties become what we love for these few weeks between those gigantic meals:)So and encouragement to all, including me, to stop and talk the time this weekend to be thankful and blessed because a personal give we received before our own existence. A gift of love, promise, and hope. The being of a fulfillment of a proclamation of love for me (or you!). The day my Father in heaven loved me so that he sent his son to save me.There is no better reason to celebrate!So, I hope you all have fun with your friends and family this weekend. I hope it's filled will joy and laughter! And I hope your heart is filled by the realatation that you were so important to our savior that He sacrificed his own son. There is no greater love to feel this holiday season.Merry Christmas all!

The Sound Of Christmas

We are running around like crazy today!  Last minute hustle and bustled and all that jazz.  Our Christmas holiday starts tomorrow and the clock is ticking to get all of those little things done.  Every year is like this, you'd think I'd learn!
No matter how busy we are, we always have time for our Christmas music!  In my humble opinion the music is the staple of the holiday tradition, my Christmas wouldn't be complete without Bing, Dean and Nat!

So here's a little bit O Christmas cheer as we all scurry about doing Christmasy things.
Merry Christmas ya'll!

Be Still

I've shared my struggles with you.

You've seen my heart.

You know my down falls.

You know my strengths.

Some of you I've known forever.
 

Some of you are new to my life, and I welcome you openly.

I wanted to say thank you for all the comments, emails and phone calls I received from you guys last week after this post.   I appreciate the love you've shown and know it doesn't go unnoticed.

I know it was heavy and sad, bit it was where I was...where I am.

I also wanted to talk about His grace in giving a certain peace. Not a "I'm going to give you what you want so you can be happy" kind of peace but a just "Be Still" kind of peace.

It doesn't make it hurt less, it just makes me trust more.

This snippet of scripture has been on my mind lately, along with a feeling of uncertainty and unrest.  Not an uncomfortable feeling but feeling as though there is a lot more at play here than just fertility issues.  An even bigger piece of our lives. As though God is whispering "Just hold on, wait and see what I'm going to do."

So for now, I will be dedicated to where I am.  Trying to serve the Lord as best I can through loving and caring for my son and husband and knowing that that is where He wants me be right now.  Trying not to worry, trying not to agonize, trying not to want to take control...but to simply trying to rest in His word that tell me to

"Be still"

and know that He, and He alone, is God.

That is enough.

(linking up with casey)

Goodbye Duck Fluff: a video

A few days ago, due to little baby dreads, we cut off part of JJ's duck fluff mullet.  A sad day.

A Little Helper : video time

Broken

Its easy to plan your idealistic family when you are growing up, or even when your discussing it with your spouse.  Dreams of lots of little munchkins running around in your picket fenced house.  Visions of a holiday table filled with family.  We always envision our "perfect" life, but not necessarily the real one.
Re
The truth is that those things aren't usually as easy as it seems they should be.

So many people around me and close to me have dealt with the loss of their baby and infertility lately.  So many tears and questions that no one can answer, so many hearts left hurting.  The reality is these things aren't that easy.  Sometimes it takes forever to get pregnant, sometimes there's loss, sometimes there is heartache.  Life isn't always pretty.
It doesn't always feel fair.

Our story,
well this month will mark the 8th month we have tried and not succeeded at getting pregnant.  I haven't talked about it, mostly because I don't want to seem insensitive or whiny.  I know that there are those out there and around me that have been waiting even longer, dealt with even more, and I feel guilty for being heartbroken about it.
 I know that  the Lords time is everything in this.
I know that if its meant to be, then it will happen...in His time.

But...month after month my heart breaks a little more.  More questions, more fear.
Wondering if its even possible, praying it is.
Feeling guilty for wanting another baby when we are already so blessed to have one little man.
Feeling that we have more love to give more children.

Truth is,
I do struggle with fear.  Fear of those unanswered questions.
"What if we can't?"
"How do I deal with that?"
"Am I letting my husband down?"
"Am I being selfish?"
"Am I ready for these answers, no matter what they are?"
"Am I forcing my will instead of relying on the Lords will?"

"Why..?"

I deal with being frustrated...
after working so hard to lose weight so I could be healthier "when we got pregnant again" (among other reasons) and then it not working out so well.  We got pregnant so quickly with JJ that this is hard and rather new territory for us.

So here we are...
praying, humbled, wanting, broken.
Still wondering where this road will lead.
Trying our best to be content, no matter what and trying hard to want the Lords will, not ours.

Wanting to know the answers to our questions but a little scared of them just the same.

Linking up with Casey

O Christmas Tree

Thanksgiving : Part 2

 After leaving Idaho we headed up north for a semi surprise visit to some friends:P

 The week quickly turned into two sick babies laying around in their pj's all day.

 And some Christmas Train playing.

 Some hanging out with mama and some eating out.  A LOT of waiting around for daddy.

Poor little sick boy is still sick.
So is the other little person.
And her mama.
And me.
So far the daddies have held up.
It was good to see those girls though, it made my heart smile:P

For today, though, there nothing on the agenda but hot tea, cuddles and some Christmas movies.
Someday, I'll get to the Christmas present making...this Christmas elf is on a sick day!

Thanksgiving : Part 1

This thanksgiving we traveled over to North Idaho to visit family and friends.  We don't get over there often, and if you recall this is what happened last time we were there.  With some not-so-fond memories in the back of my head, I won't pretend there wasn't some skepticism on my part.
But that's a whole different story.

The trip up there is about 6 1/2 to 7 hours on a good day.  But with a potty trained kiddo, a wee little Boston and a mama who's bladder ever recovered from pregnancy, said trip can take more like 10 hours. 
It became evident to JJ about a half hour in that he was, in fact, going to have to spend a really long time in the car.  He does not like this. He never has and I'm pretty sure he never intends to...at least at this point.  The "JJ OOOUUUUUTTT NOWWWW!"s started coming soon there after and didn't stop for 3 1/2 hours till we stopped and distracted him with some food.

Long story short, we showed up after midnight on Thanksgiving morning ready for sleep....but again JJ had other plans.  Mama got 2 hours of sleep that night:P

Thanksgiving dinner is usually up at B'nana and Gigi's farm. This year, however, it was moved to Uncle Ryan's house.  (Legally, he is no longer my uncle...though I can't imagine not thinking of him that way.)

JJ had a blast that day with his two cousins (again, technically they are his second cousins and my baby cousins...but they are closer in age to him than me)  I suspect that those girls had fun too:P

It was fun spending time with family that we rarely get to see, my grandparents included.  Even though B'nana was suppose to be taking it easy, of course she didn't.  But thats the way she is:P  I love that about her.
Pictured below is my not so baby cousin, Israel.  I kinda love her:P

Black Friday was spent at Nana and Papa's watching Cars 2 and hanging out. 

The next day we went to see JJ's birth buddy, Soren.  They are pretty awesome to see together!  Spending most of their time in the "tent", hoarding toys and flirty with Soren's aunt Laura. 

Overall..a pretty great vaca!
But wait...theres more....